Madi’s Journey with Mental Health
Ever since I can remember, I have dealt with mental health limitations that have affected my ability to engage in life the way that I dreamt of. I remember being just five years old, experiencing social anxiety when entering new friend groups in my church or school. This was not just a young girl being shy, but rather a young girl that feared new people and experiences. Through the ages of twelve to eighteen, the culmination of toxic friendships, bouts of uncertainty in familial relationships, and the inevitable hormone changes of puberty led to the diagnoses of clinical depression and anxiety. I began taking fluvoxamine (an antidepressant) at the end of the summer that led into my grade ten year of highschool. The medication definitely helped me get through the worst moments, and brought me to a level point emotionally; not super sad, but also not happy. The first week of being on this medication was one of the worst weeks of my life. I was emotionally volatile, and felt lower than low. I would burst into tears unexpectedly, and felt that the deep depression was inescapable. Getting past this week was definitely the hardest, but it was necessary for the ultimate goal of holistically healing myself.
I began high school in the fall of 2016. Within the first two months of attending this new environment, my mental health declined to the lowest point of my entire journey thus far, due to numerous factors I will elaborate on in further writing. In October of my grade ten year, my friends and I attended a teen weekend at summer camp. It was fun; we did the typical Christian camp things such as wide games and eating together at the dining hall and attending chapel three times a day. One night, as I layed alone in the cabin, the suicidal ideations were stronger than I had ever experienced prior. There was only one thing that stopped me from taking an action that I would eternally regret; and that was the comfort that I found in God. My faith is incredibly important to me, and in that moment, I understood that God’s plans for my life were greater than what I was about to do. I also learned how to see the value that I brought in the circles that I was a part of. Even though I was desperately lonely, I found new outlets and people that saw me for who I am.
I became well acquainted with the feeling of isolation. When I left my highschool, I said goodbye to friends and a convenient community. My best friend was my dad as I worked alongside him at his restaurant, and I had little desire to form other connections. I thought that no one else really understood what I was dealing with, and that I was a burden for ever sharing my struggles.
At fourteen, with my fresh diagnoses, I never would have thought that I would be in the headspace that I am in today. I have healed from so many aches, which I obtained through apologizing and forgiving lots, confronting issues with confidence, praying heavily, being open and honest with anyone about my story (in both the good and the bad), and recognizing that healing is not linear. Pushing myself to do what made me uncomfortable was one of the most beneficial things I could have done for myself. I moved cities, I made new friends… not to say that any of that was easy. I called my mum crying multiple times a day and regretted so much of the life changes that I had made. This was part of the healing and the metamorphosis of changing my outlook on life, as well as rewiring my brain.
I believe it is also important to note that through my time dealing with anxiety and depression, I had severe gut issues that I was also trying to diagnose. It is impressive how much physical body issues can affect mental issues.I do not say this to take away from everything else that was affecting my state, but there are countless studies and scientific evidence that prove physical health has astounding impact on mental health.
Ultimately, I am still learning that healing from mental health diagnoses is a journey that does not have a final end date. Medication is an incredible tool to get through the worst of it, but also, for some, to get through life in the long term. Finally, counseling is a resource that should be utilized, but patience is necessary; finding a counselor that suits your needs best can take time but is so worth the effort. Make sure to investigate their techniques for healing, their religious background, and whether or not they have the tendency to give tools for healing.